How i control my anger or negative emotions

this will be some sort of a random post. I think all these years I never really felt free. I find that most of the time, when a problem comes onto me, I am buried in that problem even though, i try to put half of my foot in, while the other is sticking out. This will be some sort of a purging to me, I guess. I think one of the most favorite things that I like to tell people is that to tell them to try to look outside their own compound even when they are having a problem. I had always thought I was able to do that, but perhaps I thought wrongly. There are times when a problem was just overwhelmingly hard to handle. In those times, I thought, if I was able to handle previous problems then I will be able to handle this. Because things were just too emotional, too hard, I sometimes picture myself splitting half of what is me and looking at my problem as a third person. As crazy as it may sound, it works, its a bit of a kind of comfort that you are not the only one going through all of these problems alone, there is a separate part of you that is with you too. So for me, that was the cue to "grow a spine" and just get through it. It also helps when you are really angry with someone. Making yourself wear his or her shoes for the moment changes the mood you are in because you are a human being, therefore you have the ability to empathize.

The thing is, this is not a good way to pull off when you are disciplining a child not to do what they did in the first place. With their soulful big doe eyes, suddenly quiet and attentive demeanor, they will definitely disarm you immediately if you put yourself in their shoes. Just suddenly picturing someone twice your height towering over you, with a scary face and your small heart beating. That is enough to really make your anger disappear immediately. Its also not effective when you are bargaining for a price for the product. Usually, during those times, i will try as hard to block out other emotions and focus on the task at hand or else i will never ever get the price point that i want. I guess in all good and bad things there is a limit.

I don't really know what i want to do after my exams. I want to try out some of the things, that is for sure. I also have a few things that is keeping me from what I wish to try. If I get it, it will be totally worthed it. It will definitely be worthed a shot.

I want to wait for my current exam results to come out first before i apply for a job. My spring semester results were just, let's just say, embarrassing. I don't even want to look at it and I don't even need to look at it to know that its just crap. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that i remember my average up to the decimal point and that just shows how the results really affected me. But before that, after my exam finishes i am going to work on my fyp program again. It is sufficient I guess for what i want to achieve in the fyp since its only a simple model of what the full program would be like. But i would like to work on it more. I guess it really boiled down to laziness this time. It took me like half a year to really get used to using javascript and mysql codes are sometimes a pain in the ass when you use php to do it. Actually, that is not true, it took me around three months to really get used to using javascript and i didnt learn ajax on time, and i still don't completely understand how I got the codeigniter script to work for me. So i really need to do that. I guess when it comes to university, except for the first code that you had really learn, the others depend only on your own efforts. the only lecturer that did taught me something on coding was my java lecturer from year one. I am grateful to him for that because that meant that it was easier for me to take up other programming languages since I knew the logic that came from all of that. the thing is, sometimes when you start coding in a new language, its like learning a new dialect of a language that you had already known. You know what you should say, you even know the grammars, but then you don't really remember the word for it, because you had mixed the language and the dialect up. That is probably the easiest way I can describe my problem with getting used to other programming languages.

I think to me, web programmers learn the most programming languages as when you compare them to other type of programmers. In web programming alone, you at least have to know, HTML, css, javascript and php to get to do something which is more dynamic. That alone is not enough as well, you will definitely need ajax as you go along the way, or else you will definitely trip yourself someday. And because web programs are crazy ass long and really complicated to look at, you definitely need to really practice programming principles or else if you go back and look at your codes one week after you last touched it, you need around at least 15minutes to understand where you are at and what you should do. and when you are sleep deprived, you will tend to blank out your mind every 30minutes you stare at your codes, then go back to it again, only to start once more trying to understand what you did. So comes the application of frameworks. Frameworks not only for the functions but later on, you will come to realize that you need a framework for your view as well. Because hell, css doesn't only contain css, there may be an opportunity for the programmer to add flash to the gui and then there are xmls then there are JSON and so many more stuff.

So when it boils down to one fact, why do I actually find web programming interesting? Honestly, I don't know why, so don't ask me why. I guess I am a sucker for being one of those people who likes being tortured. I just hope that i don't end up in the psych ward when I am done with web programming. But programming really helped with the level of my own patience. Why do I consider myself a patient person? I think I am one because I don't end up hitting the table every ten times my code doesn't go through when I learn and get used to a new programming language. there are just times when you wanna hurl the laptop to the landing which is two floors down from your own bedroom window. But you know you can't do that, because, firstly, you are a stingy person, secondly, its your life force, that patch of codes that you hate for just that one moment is what you slaved on for months. and thirdly because that precious laptop of yours contain not only your fyp but also the courseworks from your other modules. so you basically will be screwed if anything happened to that precious piece of crap that you have a love hate relationship with. Sometimes i think that i spend more time looking at my laptop's screen than any person's face. Hell, sometimes i even think that i see the dogs more often than i see a human's face in person.

Anyway I am starting to ramble too much. Haha, i feel like one of those really lonely and gossipy aunties right now. So i am gonna stop saying anything at all. Good night and sweet dreams

and there u'll always be

and there u'll always be, in the regions of my frail heart, missing you, loving you, always and beyond

Happy mother's day!!

Happy mother's day everyone!!! So, i read this random post from somebody that day saying that mother's day may go against the person's beliefs which i do think is a stupid idea. So i asked myself, why do we really celebrate mother's day? To me, mother's day is just like a person's birthday, sure, ur parents celebrate having u everyday and probably felt lucky from the first day you were born to luckily have you too. and you too celebrate having them every day of your life. but the fact is, we do appreciate them every single day, mother's day is a kind of emphasis and a special day just for that particular person. A time when you at least get the lamest excuse to spoil her and for those shy kids, get to do something for your mother without being called a momma's boy or momma's girl. as you may notice, for girls, that is a compliment, for guys, well, we do know that the fact probably embarrasses the hell out of them sometimes. the fact is, this one day is celebrated just for your beloved ones to feel particularly special. All the happiness, all the joy and a kind of awareness that promotes the goodness and to once again rejoice having your beloved mother in your life... - that to me, is mother's day.

My mother went through a lot of ups and downs with me, from everytime i cried when i had a scabbed knees, from the way she fussed over me when i got bloody knees again, from the talks we used to have every single night before we went to bed and also the way she would put on her dainty glasses, stitching my blanket carefully with love. the most endearing memory i had of her was probably when she hung up the blue snoopy curtains in my room and asked me excitedly whether it was cute and pretty or not. At that time, although i thought the curtains were goofy, the way she turned back her head and asked me if they were nice or not just suddenly made the curtains beautiful. Since the day she put it up, I never once took down the curtains, not even when i restructured and redecorated my whole room. Not until the start of this semester did i tell my brother to do it for me. I had a special reason for doing so. It nearly broke my heart to think of it down, but that was the best thing i could come up with for that particular time.

snatches of convo...

Me: Sir, i do not know why he chose to change his course since he is quite good at programming.

Lecturer: Perhaps he does not know what he wants. I know some people who can be brilliant and score or even make it to the dean list for a straight two years and still not end up as a programmer. I had a student once who had all straight As for her STPM, then chose computer science and still made it to the top of the class. Then when she transferred her credits to Cornell University, she did very well and made it to the dean list till she graduated from there. And you would never guess what her occupation is right now.

Me: Is she an accountant right now?

Lecturer: No.

He shook his head and continue onwards.

Lecturer: She is now a broadway musical actress and when i asked her why she didn't become a programmer, she told me that she finally found the love of her life on the theater and she will never regret studying computer science.

While you are at something, give it your best shot but do what u love when u have completed that task. Without passion, there won't be success, but while you are at it, do your best coz u never know where it will lead you to.

Changes

Moving on in life, you realized that there are just some things that will keep on popping up in your head. Especially those that made a big impact on you, but you just did not realize it at that point. Looking back now, there are just certain things that I did do naively, causing so much destruction and perhaps even sever ties in a way i didn't really expect to happen. But when you think of it, and think of yourself today, you realized that that incident had made you a much better person, a more caring person. I'd like to think myself as more grown up, but then growing up is an everyday process, it does not stop at one point. Although I didn't realize it at the point, it was actually a turning point of my life. Having went back, and then come back, learning to adapt with just a blink of an eye. You learn that sometimes turning away and focusing on the other part of your emotions are crucial. I think if i was really honest with myself, I didn't learn to really focus on other parts while your emotions are churning until this year. If you can't do it, then just try and try and try until you get things right.

Now that I think of it, my friend was right, he did say that my assumption in stuff was causing a lot of pain. But it wasn't that incident which started it. Looking back at it, I had the right to do so. But then that aside, I didn't think that it was wrong because if one spelled concern about something, as a friend it is necessary to ask the source whether the concern was straightforward or not. To me, that was the way it was, and that is the way it should be. So, to me, there was nothing wrong about the incident.

But then i guess the pain should start when i started spewing nonsense about a classmate of mine. Forgive me, but then i can be gossipy at a lot of times. Just that this particular time, i did hurt an innocent in doing so. For that, I think I would forever regret that part of my life. My general weakness is perhaps not liking people who does not at least try to learn. Hate would be too harsh a word, but annoyed at people who does not at least try to get out of a bad situation is perhaps the best word to describe a dislike for that kind of individual. Sometimes when i think back, I do let this kind of annoyance overshadow what i tell people about them. But then, when you think back about it. Should she be judged so harshly? I am not a perfect person too, and people do not judge my shortcomings as harsh as i judged hers. Instead of putting her in a gray zone, i actually labelled her color and put a stamp on it. Even though i do not know her well, she should have some space to move in, in fact because i do not know her well, she should have more wiggle space than other people.

Now that i think of it, i should not have judged people based on other people's opinion or what i see on my own from first glance. In the past it may have helped me at my survival instincts, but now that i actually did open my eyes to certain stuff, i do see the good and bad in a person and especially the grays in between. Like i said, i would like to think that i had grown up myself, but then would these rose colored glasses continue to pop up in life once in a while? That i do not know, only time can tell i guess...

People did say that they wanted to change me, but then the thing is, I do not want to be changed, I want to grow slowly to develop my individuality and to develop something that is uniquely me. To that, I would probably say, sorry, but I just do not need a person like you in my life. If you want to shape a person to your ideal, sorry, do not pick me. To change me, would mean to do my other half a disfavor, to rob him off of his match. So to girls and guys out there, if a person says that they want to change you, then remember this, although people can't see it yet, you are uniquely beautiful and you are uniquely special. If you want to change, do it because you want to do it, not because people said you should do so. To that end, you will have fewer regrets, because if you were to go through life again, you will know that you will do the same thing again, regardless of everything else.

Boredom

There is a kind of laziness that needs to be eliminated within me. I am so bored that i don't feel like doing anything else. And there are piles and piles of stuff for me to do and yet i am idling. The which step have u reached today poster is just above me. My status for the day is only from level 0 to level 2... Are you happy? That is the question that i should be asking myself. My answer is no, my productivity level is zero and i am going to hell when the exam time comes. Bank account for the day is decreasing too.

But i sit here, strung out coz i didnt even do anything at all except whine for the day... my breathing feels constricted and i feel lethargic. In my head, they are all excuses, excuses, excuses... I am bored, books bore me, writing bores me, food bores me, sitting here bores me. How do you pull yourself up again and move to the next level? Even youtube now bores me. I should go somewhere else... but hey, i dun want to. Even watching new episodes of comedies bore me... sigh... i should start studying, huh?

cheng beng

After 3 years of her death i still can't bring myself to attend cheng beng with a calm heart. As the date draws near, its as if I am brought back to a place where I am helpless to stop something that was going to happen anyway. Burying her was the hardest... When they were about to do that, i threw a big fit, to never have her close to me or breathing somewhere above the ground was the hardest. To know, and to see for myself that the body inside that coffin going to the ground, never to resurface nor see her again that was the hardest. In the end, i was grateful that dad spared us both the pain of seeing her burning... burying was still ok, but seeing someone you love dearly burning would probably have put me in the mental ward today.

As I write this, my heart is probably breaking into pieces again. This is the first time that i have ever attended this ceremony. I do not mind celebrating her birthday, the new year or the mooncake festival with her. At least then, however stupid it may be, i can still pretend that she is alive and well somewhere. Which is ironic coz i do it in front of her memorial stone, but at least it feels like a balm to my heart.

These few days have been really hard for me, when i go to sleep, i dream a sweet memory of her, and i wake up disorientated, i wake up with a broken heart once again. Even knowing that this is killing me cell by cell, limb by limb, memory by memory, I still let it happen once again and it has been going on at least for a month. Sleeplessness this past week... pretending to be nonchalant when her memory is still as fresh as yesterday. The fact is, I miss her with every fiber of my being and i guess its time to face my fears and meet it head on. No pretty clothes or smiley face will complete my armor this time. I guess its time to go. I miss you dearly, I miss you so much that when the time draws near, I am shaking with the effort to pull myself forward to respectfully attend this ceremony. I never told you this when you were alive, and I wish that you can read this now, but I do love you, mom, I will always love you.

From your daughter, Chia Shing...