this will be some sort of a random post. I think all these years I never really felt free. I find that most of the time, when a problem comes onto me, I am buried in that problem even though, i try to put half of my foot in, while the other is sticking out. This will be some sort of a purging to me, I guess. I think one of the most favorite things that I like to tell people is that to tell them to try to look outside their own compound even when they are having a problem. I had always thought I was able to do that, but perhaps I thought wrongly. There are times when a problem was just overwhelmingly hard to handle. In those times, I thought, if I was able to handle previous problems then I will be able to handle this. Because things were just too emotional, too hard, I sometimes picture myself splitting half of what is me and looking at my problem as a third person. As crazy as it may sound, it works, its a bit of a kind of comfort that you are not the only one going through all of these problems alone, there is a separate part of you that is with you too. So for me, that was the cue to "grow a spine" and just get through it.
It also helps when you are really angry with someone. Making yourself wear his or her shoes for the moment changes the mood you are in because you are a human being, therefore you have the ability to empathize.
The thing is, this is not a good way to pull off when you are disciplining a child not to do what they did in the first place. With their soulful big doe eyes, suddenly quiet and attentive demeanor, they will definitely disarm you immediately if you put yourself in their shoes. Just suddenly picturing someone twice your height towering over you, with a scary face and your small heart beating. That is enough to really make your anger disappear immediately. Its also not effective when you are bargaining for a price for the product. Usually, during those times, i will try as hard to block out other emotions and focus on the task at hand or else i will never ever get the price point that i want. I guess in all good and bad things there is a limit.
I don't really know what i want to do after my exams. I want to try out some of the things, that is for sure. I also have a few things that is keeping me from what I wish to try. If I get it, it will be totally worthed it. It will definitely be worthed a shot.
I want to wait for my current exam results to come out first before i apply for a job. My spring semester results were just, let's just say, embarrassing. I don't even want to look at it and I don't even need to look at it to know that its just crap. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that i remember my average up to the decimal point and that just shows how the results really affected me. But before that, after my exam finishes i am going to work on my fyp program again. It is sufficient I guess for what i want to achieve in the fyp since its only a simple model of what the full program would be like. But i would like to work on it more. I guess it really boiled down to laziness this time. It took me like half a year to really get used to using javascript and mysql codes are sometimes a pain in the ass when you use php to do it. Actually, that is not true, it took me around three months to really get used to using javascript and i didnt learn ajax on time, and i still don't completely understand how I got the codeigniter script to work for me. So i really need to do that. I guess when it comes to university, except for the first code that you had really learn, the others depend only on your own efforts. the only lecturer that did taught me something on coding was my java lecturer from year one. I am grateful to him for that because that meant that it was easier for me to take up other programming languages since I knew the logic that came from all of that. the thing is, sometimes when you start coding in a new language, its like learning a new dialect of a language that you had already known. You know what you should say, you even know the grammars, but then you don't really remember the word for it, because you had mixed the language and the dialect up. That is probably the easiest way I can describe my problem with getting used to other programming languages.
I think to me, web programmers learn the most programming languages as when you compare them to other type of programmers. In web programming alone, you at least have to know, HTML, css, javascript and php to get to do something which is more dynamic. That alone is not enough as well, you will definitely need ajax as you go along the way, or else you will definitely trip yourself someday. And because web programs are crazy ass long and really complicated to look at, you definitely need to really practice programming principles or else if you go back and look at your codes one week after you last touched it, you need around at least 15minutes to understand where you are at and what you should do. and when you are sleep deprived, you will tend to blank out your mind every 30minutes you stare at your codes, then go back to it again, only to start once more trying to understand what you did. So comes the application of frameworks. Frameworks not only for the functions but later on, you will come to realize that you need a framework for your view as well. Because hell, css doesn't only contain css, there may be an opportunity for the programmer to add flash to the gui and then there are xmls then there are JSON and so many more stuff.
So when it boils down to one fact, why do I actually find web programming interesting? Honestly, I don't know why, so don't ask me why. I guess I am a sucker for being one of those people who likes being tortured. I just hope that i don't end up in the psych ward when I am done with web programming. But programming really helped with the level of my own patience. Why do I consider myself a patient person? I think I am one because I don't end up hitting the table every ten times my code doesn't go through when I learn and get used to a new programming language. there are just times when you wanna hurl the laptop to the landing which is two floors down from your own bedroom window. But you know you can't do that, because, firstly, you are a stingy person, secondly, its your life force, that patch of codes that you hate for just that one moment is what you slaved on for months. and thirdly because that precious laptop of yours contain not only your fyp but also the courseworks from your other modules. so you basically will be screwed if anything happened to that precious piece of crap that you have a love hate relationship with. Sometimes i think that i spend more time looking at my laptop's screen than any person's face. Hell, sometimes i even think that i see the dogs more often than i see a human's face in person.
Anyway I am starting to ramble too much. Haha, i feel like one of those really lonely and gossipy aunties right now. So i am gonna stop saying anything at all. Good night and sweet dreams
and there u'll always be
and there u'll always be, in the regions of my frail heart, missing you, loving you, always and beyond
Happy mother's day!!
Happy mother's day everyone!!! So, i read this random post from somebody that day saying that mother's day may go against the person's beliefs which i do think is a stupid idea. So i asked myself, why do we really celebrate mother's day? To me, mother's day is just like a person's birthday, sure, ur parents celebrate having u everyday and probably felt lucky from the first day you were born to luckily have you too. and you too celebrate having them every day of your life. but the fact is, we do appreciate them every single day, mother's day is a kind of emphasis and a special day just for that particular person. A time when you at least get the lamest excuse to spoil her and for those shy kids, get to do something for your mother without being called a momma's boy or momma's girl. as you may notice, for girls, that is a compliment, for guys, well, we do know that the fact probably embarrasses the hell out of them sometimes. the fact is, this one day is celebrated just for your beloved ones to feel particularly special. All the happiness, all the joy and a kind of awareness that promotes the goodness and to once again rejoice having your beloved mother in your life... - that to me, is mother's day.
My mother went through a lot of ups and downs with me, from everytime i cried when i had a scabbed knees, from the way she fussed over me when i got bloody knees again, from the talks we used to have every single night before we went to bed and also the way she would put on her dainty glasses, stitching my blanket carefully with love. the most endearing memory i had of her was probably when she hung up the blue snoopy curtains in my room and asked me excitedly whether it was cute and pretty or not. At that time, although i thought the curtains were goofy, the way she turned back her head and asked me if they were nice or not just suddenly made the curtains beautiful. Since the day she put it up, I never once took down the curtains, not even when i restructured and redecorated my whole room. Not until the start of this semester did i tell my brother to do it for me. I had a special reason for doing so. It nearly broke my heart to think of it down, but that was the best thing i could come up with for that particular time.
My mother went through a lot of ups and downs with me, from everytime i cried when i had a scabbed knees, from the way she fussed over me when i got bloody knees again, from the talks we used to have every single night before we went to bed and also the way she would put on her dainty glasses, stitching my blanket carefully with love. the most endearing memory i had of her was probably when she hung up the blue snoopy curtains in my room and asked me excitedly whether it was cute and pretty or not. At that time, although i thought the curtains were goofy, the way she turned back her head and asked me if they were nice or not just suddenly made the curtains beautiful. Since the day she put it up, I never once took down the curtains, not even when i restructured and redecorated my whole room. Not until the start of this semester did i tell my brother to do it for me. I had a special reason for doing so. It nearly broke my heart to think of it down, but that was the best thing i could come up with for that particular time.
snatches of convo...
Me: Sir, i do not know why he chose to change his course since he is quite good at programming.
Lecturer: Perhaps he does not know what he wants. I know some people who can be brilliant and score or even make it to the dean list for a straight two years and still not end up as a programmer. I had a student once who had all straight As for her STPM, then chose computer science and still made it to the top of the class. Then when she transferred her credits to Cornell University, she did very well and made it to the dean list till she graduated from there. And you would never guess what her occupation is right now.
Me: Is she an accountant right now?
Lecturer: No.
He shook his head and continue onwards.
Lecturer: She is now a broadway musical actress and when i asked her why she didn't become a programmer, she told me that she finally found the love of her life on the theater and she will never regret studying computer science.
While you are at something, give it your best shot but do what u love when u have completed that task. Without passion, there won't be success, but while you are at it, do your best coz u never know where it will lead you to.
Changes
Moving on in life, you realized that there are just some things that will keep on popping up in your head. Especially those that made a big impact on you, but you just did not realize it at that point. Looking back now, there are just certain things that I did do naively, causing so much destruction and perhaps even sever ties in a way i didn't really expect to happen. But when you think of it, and think of yourself today, you realized that that incident had made you a much better person, a more caring person. I'd like to think myself as more grown up, but then growing up is an everyday process, it does not stop at one point. Although I didn't realize it at the point, it was actually a turning point of my life. Having went back, and then come back, learning to adapt with just a blink of an eye. You learn that sometimes turning away and focusing on the other part of your emotions are crucial. I think if i was really honest with myself, I didn't learn to really focus on other parts while your emotions are churning until this year. If you can't do it, then just try and try and try until you get things right.
Now that I think of it, my friend was right, he did say that my assumption in stuff was causing a lot of pain. But it wasn't that incident which started it. Looking back at it, I had the right to do so. But then that aside, I didn't think that it was wrong because if one spelled concern about something, as a friend it is necessary to ask the source whether the concern was straightforward or not. To me, that was the way it was, and that is the way it should be. So, to me, there was nothing wrong about the incident.
But then i guess the pain should start when i started spewing nonsense about a classmate of mine. Forgive me, but then i can be gossipy at a lot of times. Just that this particular time, i did hurt an innocent in doing so. For that, I think I would forever regret that part of my life. My general weakness is perhaps not liking people who does not at least try to learn. Hate would be too harsh a word, but annoyed at people who does not at least try to get out of a bad situation is perhaps the best word to describe a dislike for that kind of individual. Sometimes when i think back, I do let this kind of annoyance overshadow what i tell people about them. But then, when you think back about it. Should she be judged so harshly? I am not a perfect person too, and people do not judge my shortcomings as harsh as i judged hers. Instead of putting her in a gray zone, i actually labelled her color and put a stamp on it. Even though i do not know her well, she should have some space to move in, in fact because i do not know her well, she should have more wiggle space than other people.
Now that i think of it, i should not have judged people based on other people's opinion or what i see on my own from first glance. In the past it may have helped me at my survival instincts, but now that i actually did open my eyes to certain stuff, i do see the good and bad in a person and especially the grays in between. Like i said, i would like to think that i had grown up myself, but then would these rose colored glasses continue to pop up in life once in a while? That i do not know, only time can tell i guess...
People did say that they wanted to change me, but then the thing is, I do not want to be changed, I want to grow slowly to develop my individuality and to develop something that is uniquely me. To that, I would probably say, sorry, but I just do not need a person like you in my life. If you want to shape a person to your ideal, sorry, do not pick me. To change me, would mean to do my other half a disfavor, to rob him off of his match. So to girls and guys out there, if a person says that they want to change you, then remember this, although people can't see it yet, you are uniquely beautiful and you are uniquely special. If you want to change, do it because you want to do it, not because people said you should do so. To that end, you will have fewer regrets, because if you were to go through life again, you will know that you will do the same thing again, regardless of everything else.
Boredom
There is a kind of laziness that needs to be eliminated within me. I am so bored that i don't feel like doing anything else. And there are piles and piles of stuff for me to do and yet i am idling. The which step have u reached today poster is just above me. My status for the day is only from level 0 to level 2... Are you happy? That is the question that i should be asking myself. My answer is no, my productivity level is zero and i am going to hell when the exam time comes. Bank account for the day is decreasing too.
But i sit here, strung out coz i didnt even do anything at all except whine for the day... my breathing feels constricted and i feel lethargic. In my head, they are all excuses, excuses, excuses... I am bored, books bore me, writing bores me, food bores me, sitting here bores me. How do you pull yourself up again and move to the next level? Even youtube now bores me. I should go somewhere else... but hey, i dun want to. Even watching new episodes of comedies bore me... sigh... i should start studying, huh?
cheng beng
After 3 years of her death i still can't bring myself to attend cheng beng with a calm heart. As the date draws near, its as if I am brought back to a place where I am helpless to stop something that was going to happen anyway. Burying her was the hardest... When they were about to do that, i threw a big fit, to never have her close to me or breathing somewhere above the ground was the hardest. To know, and to see for myself that the body inside that coffin going to the ground, never to resurface nor see her again that was the hardest. In the end, i was grateful that dad spared us both the pain of seeing her burning... burying was still ok, but seeing someone you love dearly burning would probably have put me in the mental ward today.
As I write this, my heart is probably breaking into pieces again. This is the first time that i have ever attended this ceremony. I do not mind celebrating her birthday, the new year or the mooncake festival with her. At least then, however stupid it may be, i can still pretend that she is alive and well somewhere. Which is ironic coz i do it in front of her memorial stone, but at least it feels like a balm to my heart.
These few days have been really hard for me, when i go to sleep, i dream a sweet memory of her, and i wake up disorientated, i wake up with a broken heart once again. Even knowing that this is killing me cell by cell, limb by limb, memory by memory, I still let it happen once again and it has been going on at least for a month. Sleeplessness this past week... pretending to be nonchalant when her memory is still as fresh as yesterday. The fact is, I miss her with every fiber of my being and i guess its time to face my fears and meet it head on. No pretty clothes or smiley face will complete my armor this time. I guess its time to go. I miss you dearly, I miss you so much that when the time draws near, I am shaking with the effort to pull myself forward to respectfully attend this ceremony. I never told you this when you were alive, and I wish that you can read this now, but I do love you, mom, I will always love you.
From your daughter, Chia Shing...
tired eyes
So... these days... been having a lot of tired eyes days... Not only do i stare at the computer for too long, but i really torture my eyes by wearing contacts for too long a duration. I suppose I should get a new pair of glasses that suits me better which involves it not slipping down my nose all the time. and i shouldnt stay awake after mere mortal sleeping times.. which i suppose should be at 12am or 11pm. I always lose track of time at night and stay way way WAY pass my bedtime. Not a good thing especially when lack of sleep can kill you faster than the lack of food can.
What i wanna say is, my new year's resolution has been busted so many times that it is laughable that i even called it one. I precisely broke it at 12am on 1/1/2012... Laughable is a weak word... this week alone i have broken it 7 times straight... Laughable.. sigh... when am i going to learn?
Loving the new song...
Loving this new song by Brian Joo... i never even heard of that guy until this song, Let this Die came out on youtube... hehe.. enjoy!!!
i think i like this new song coz its so so different from the normal korean songs which made me almost stereotype the korean songwriters to knowing only how to write slow songs and choreograph dances. The dances i love... the songs.. i usually mute it.. but this one really made me want to listen to it over and over again.. i love how jk raps in the song... I do think that the song is a combo between great piano recitals and a hint of the 90s type of reggae music... only that its tempo is faster with much deeper meaning to the lyrics than what drugged out reggae songwriters could have written in the past..
I think finding the translation for this song may have been the best action i had ever made in months... it made me realize that the song was right... sometimes we do trap ourselves in the past because it just seems more familiar and we do find it hard to let it go. Although this song is more relationship based than the philosophy i had just describe, sometimes i do think that when the past is no longer valid, we just have to let it go, or in this case let it die... definitely loving it to the fullest!!
Sweet Serendipity
and i am doing just fine
i am always landing on my feet
in the nick of time
i might have skinned my teeth
i ain't gonna stressthe worst could happen yet
something's watching over me
Like sweet serendipity..
Love love love this song... makes me happy...
xoxo
Nikki
The bad ass chick is up
i never tried drawing my waterline before... and the only thing that i can say is... I really look like a bad girl... had to take a pic with the dorky glasses to soften it up..
start or not???
it has been a week after 2012... i kinda feel so empty inside. if there is a kind of post that i post... then i do post a lot of emo post... in a lot of times, i feel that i have not yet fulfilled my full potential in this world... the more i think of it, the more i realized that i am just wasting my time away... do i start now, while i feel that i need to improve? or do i start later when i can finally sit down and think of stuff the way i do? i feel that the things of what i want to do is just out there, waiting for me to reach out and take it... if i do admit to myself, i do admit that i am impatient to do what i wanna do now
i keep reminding myself everyday to be patient, to wait for the right time to go forward... but do i have time? do i have the patience? but then i have no choice on being patient, right? i HAVE to be patient... then i ask myself, why am i idling right now? not doing enough to prepare myself when the time comes... then at this time, i feel like i am at crossroads... in fact, to be honest, i am not preparing myself for that right time and preparation is gold for that golden moment when i start...
the main point is, i have to start, even if it means that i have to start in the middle of my exam time, i do have to start and still juggle with my exams and all... i just feel that this is the right time... and i hope that i am right...
cray-crayness..
Tick Tock, Tick Tock,
There goes the clock...
I used to take time for granted... now i am scrambling for time itself...
2 programs, 2 reports... all due tomorrow... and i still dun understand how to update the JTable... i feel so stupid and useless these days... my program can run perfectly... but then it doesnt give me the output that i desire... shit shit shit... i dun think i will be able to pass it up tomoro... even the database itself updates perfectly... not my JPanel... or my JTable for the fact... stupid fire doesnt even work... going once, going twice... i am OFFICIALLY CRAZY!!!
by someone or something who is going cray-cray...
time and time again
Is it time for me to feel again i wonder? At least I know now that i can feel other emotions other than the norm... as i had for a long long time... Time and time again i wonder when i would feel again... but this is not the time nor the place... and if i had nothing to lose then i probably would have completed what i wanted to do since i was a little kid... but with everything to lose and my instinctive fear of the unknown, I will not pursue things i want to pursue... somehow it makes me a coward and i hate that feeling...
Steve Jobs once said in his 2005 commencement "Live everyday as it is your last and you will overcome your fear of pursuing your dreams"... but then being brought up in a family that tolerates no failures... this habit of mine is hard to curb, especially when i hit potholes in the journey of my life... my mom was not even allowed to make mistakes when she was here... how can i as a mere daughter make mistakes in my life? especially mistakes that will involve my family financially... sometimes i do feel that there is more installed for me in the future rather than i am now... Can i wait? Do i wait?
The rambling thoughts of my mind...
nikki...
Inglot!!!
Damn it!!! I actually managed to let another soft opening of another famous new store to slip pass me again..!!! Anyway... i am too lazy to move now after exam so soft opening or whatsoever, be damned... haha... o... by the way... their soft opening is today and its held at Sunway pyramid, KL...haha...
haha... anyway... inglot is actually a british brand and their eye shadow colours are amazing... coz they blend out so beautifully and so smoothly that it feels like you are kind of working with water colors instead of eyeshadows... haha.. at least that is what xSparkage said... she did a few makeup tutorials using these eyeshadows... and i am actually surprised that they would have their first south east asian store in malaysia rather than singapore... in my opinion... i think they do have better quality makeup products than Mac.. coz when you compare all the swatches on the online pics using Mac products with Inglot products... Inglot products actually do fare better... but then i think even if i went there... i would only do some busybody-ing only... coz it would be more expensive than what i will be able to afford anyway...
anyway... since coming to kl... my main hobby is to molest all the goods that i cant really afford anyway... haha... but it is educational... makes you know the difference between the real and the fake products without having to go through all the spendings and stuff like that...
anyways.. with the acid splasher hanging around the sunway area recently... i doubt that i would even think of putting one foot on the turf of sunway pyramid when i don't have a car to promise me that i could go back straight away... so... sigh... longing... hehe... INGLOT!!!
signing off...
these days...
these days i am feeling really really lazy... i am having my exams in 3days... i still havent touched the book yet... i already looked through the question though... i am like thinking... if die die lo.. who cares... and i may come to regret thinking like that directly after the exams... i let myself down...
these days... i think i finally realized who i am... it finally made me realized that i have once again reverted back to the old me.. the old me before anything drastic in my life happened... i think for the first time in two years.. or maybe more than that, i can finally say that my mental scars healed... it was a long journey... but finally i can now safely say that i no longer narrow my views to just one strict path... drastic changes in your life can make you that way... some say that drastic changes make you mature.. but in my case, i think it made me more pessimistic.. more blind... more hurtful to others... but then i have also changed a lot... i don't 100% resemble my old self either... its as if everything just blended into place... tucked into the corners where they are necessary... it made me realize how stupid i am in handling all my previous problems... how naive i am... only my subconscious saved me from doing the wrong thing i guess... if i could have relived my life again... i would actually wish to right all the things that i have done... the decisions i made.. especially my naive self at that time of my life.. being pushed to one decision so subtly that i didn't realize that i was being coerced into doing so.. my mother's art of knowing me too well... but then she must have had her reason why..i was just simply not there to understand why... or maybe i do.. but i just dun wanna admit it... but then that was simply the biggest part of me that regretted the decision that i have made..
now i think i am better at getting myself out of ditches.. making my own decisions on choosing a path that i think will solve my problem... and the thought of actually solving a problem is a big improvement for me... in fact.. i dun think i linger on a solution that has no outings anymore... and sometimes... showing some stupidity helps... in fact... it helps a lot..!! but then stupidity is there for a reason.. to give an excuse not to think too much... haha... but these days... i think it is due to the lack of sleep.. i keep losing my trail of thoughts... especially in conversations.. and then i noticed i also panicked for reasons that are already evident why they are there in the first place... so exams.. i have a question for you... why are you draining my life right in front of my eyes, drop by drop? haha... as if the term exams are human..
anyway... cheers, going to sign off now..
what i find disturbing...
http://lifestyle.malaysia.msn.com/Relationships/Singletons/article.aspx?cp-documentid=4822304&page=0
The above is actually an article about what turns a guy off about single ladies... To be honest... i find the fact number 1 to 6 a turn off ABOUT GUYS... not that all guys are necessary like that... but then either coincidentally or not... it describes the fact why i dump those previous guys i dated... they are simply the overdoses of all those 6 facts... clingy, dunno what they want, plan for a picket fence and childrens not on the third date... but on the SECOND freaking date!!! But the thing i find as the biggest turn off in the history of mankind, is not sticking and bearing all the good and bad part of an activity that you will know will bring you advantages in the end. All those whining are simply ANNOYING!!!
I don't know why women insist on dreaming up a family and having lots of kids when they are the ones bearing those labor pains and 9 months of excruciating pregnancy. I think it is unfair to label all the above facts entirely to women... and since all childrens have one biological mother and one biological father, it just makes sense that those characters can be inherited either by the female or the male child... so everyone in this world, either u are a guy or a girl, u will have a 50% chance of having those traits.. do not and please do not make the same mistake of prototyping a gender to a character...
痴情...
Sometimes i can't understand a person waiting for someone until it spans to years... especially when a person is so young...maybe its because i haven't been able to love another person in a long time already... or i am probably just envying the power and the willingness to wait for a memory... for me... a person needs only to wait on another person for a maximum of 5 years, more than that, i most probably will attach stupidity on his or her head. for me, unless you are waiting for a person whom u are married to, your maximum waiting time is 5 years... if it drags more than that, it really makes a person wonder whether they ever think about the factors of people changing over time. as time passes, people change, new habits are developed, new set of conversations are spoken, new sets of hobbies are taken up... so what do you have left in common with the person you have not seen for years? let alone have a relationship with something nearer to a mirage rather than reality? this is just my opinion, this article can mainly just be a case study of my natural curiousity..
ps... comments are widely welcomed...
ps... comments are widely welcomed...
mood swings...
for me the definition of mood swings have always been more towards the downside of it... the feeling of being pressed on the chest so hard, that your breath feels long and choppy.. the feeling as if your heart has dropped to the deepest end of your soul, beating and working too hard to keep you alive... the feeling of what people call depression... that is what i am feeling half an hour ago... the feeling of being so down in the pit that you struggle so hard to make yourself come out of that hole again...
sometimes, i do wonder, can i blame what i experienced through so far? people may understand if you tried to explain it... but when you come to think of it... is it only an excuse for you to do so? shouldn't you learn to not feel it and get out of it all the time when you do? previously when i felt this way... i would just sleep myself through the emotion then wake up unscathed... Although i noe its the coward's way out but most of the times it works... but at times it would turn worst... plunging me into full depression where i would just wake up crying because my heart felt just so squished... i think the saddest people in the world are people who can't get or wouldn't try to even get themselves out of what they are feeling.. when luxury becomes the norm, emotions are your worst enemy... i know them well... and i hate them for such a reason...
my solution for this? rock music... although people may say that the more you listen to rock music or hip hop music, the more violent your soul is... i guess if that is true then my soul is indeed violent... i love those musics... and i rarely listen to soft musics... if i can avoid them altogether... i hate them sometimes in fact... that is why i can never sit in my dad's car without my earphones on or have something to distract me from the music he likes... but what i like about rock music is that when u are feeling down... it kinds of drowns out all of the unwanted emotion.. making your path in front clear and peaceful again... although the lyrics say otherwise.. i guess maybe i am just not like other girls... which i cant say much of it...
Nikita signing off..
sometimes, i do wonder, can i blame what i experienced through so far? people may understand if you tried to explain it... but when you come to think of it... is it only an excuse for you to do so? shouldn't you learn to not feel it and get out of it all the time when you do? previously when i felt this way... i would just sleep myself through the emotion then wake up unscathed... Although i noe its the coward's way out but most of the times it works... but at times it would turn worst... plunging me into full depression where i would just wake up crying because my heart felt just so squished... i think the saddest people in the world are people who can't get or wouldn't try to even get themselves out of what they are feeling.. when luxury becomes the norm, emotions are your worst enemy... i know them well... and i hate them for such a reason...
my solution for this? rock music... although people may say that the more you listen to rock music or hip hop music, the more violent your soul is... i guess if that is true then my soul is indeed violent... i love those musics... and i rarely listen to soft musics... if i can avoid them altogether... i hate them sometimes in fact... that is why i can never sit in my dad's car without my earphones on or have something to distract me from the music he likes... but what i like about rock music is that when u are feeling down... it kinds of drowns out all of the unwanted emotion.. making your path in front clear and peaceful again... although the lyrics say otherwise.. i guess maybe i am just not like other girls... which i cant say much of it...
Nikita signing off..
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