Boredom

There is a kind of laziness that needs to be eliminated within me. I am so bored that i don't feel like doing anything else. And there are piles and piles of stuff for me to do and yet i am idling. The which step have u reached today poster is just above me. My status for the day is only from level 0 to level 2... Are you happy? That is the question that i should be asking myself. My answer is no, my productivity level is zero and i am going to hell when the exam time comes. Bank account for the day is decreasing too.

But i sit here, strung out coz i didnt even do anything at all except whine for the day... my breathing feels constricted and i feel lethargic. In my head, they are all excuses, excuses, excuses... I am bored, books bore me, writing bores me, food bores me, sitting here bores me. How do you pull yourself up again and move to the next level? Even youtube now bores me. I should go somewhere else... but hey, i dun want to. Even watching new episodes of comedies bore me... sigh... i should start studying, huh?

cheng beng

After 3 years of her death i still can't bring myself to attend cheng beng with a calm heart. As the date draws near, its as if I am brought back to a place where I am helpless to stop something that was going to happen anyway. Burying her was the hardest... When they were about to do that, i threw a big fit, to never have her close to me or breathing somewhere above the ground was the hardest. To know, and to see for myself that the body inside that coffin going to the ground, never to resurface nor see her again that was the hardest. In the end, i was grateful that dad spared us both the pain of seeing her burning... burying was still ok, but seeing someone you love dearly burning would probably have put me in the mental ward today.

As I write this, my heart is probably breaking into pieces again. This is the first time that i have ever attended this ceremony. I do not mind celebrating her birthday, the new year or the mooncake festival with her. At least then, however stupid it may be, i can still pretend that she is alive and well somewhere. Which is ironic coz i do it in front of her memorial stone, but at least it feels like a balm to my heart.

These few days have been really hard for me, when i go to sleep, i dream a sweet memory of her, and i wake up disorientated, i wake up with a broken heart once again. Even knowing that this is killing me cell by cell, limb by limb, memory by memory, I still let it happen once again and it has been going on at least for a month. Sleeplessness this past week... pretending to be nonchalant when her memory is still as fresh as yesterday. The fact is, I miss her with every fiber of my being and i guess its time to face my fears and meet it head on. No pretty clothes or smiley face will complete my armor this time. I guess its time to go. I miss you dearly, I miss you so much that when the time draws near, I am shaking with the effort to pull myself forward to respectfully attend this ceremony. I never told you this when you were alive, and I wish that you can read this now, but I do love you, mom, I will always love you.

From your daughter, Chia Shing...

tired eyes

So... these days... been having a lot of tired eyes days... Not only do i stare at the computer for too long, but i really torture my eyes by wearing contacts for too long a duration. I suppose I should get a new pair of glasses that suits me better which involves it not slipping down my nose all the time. and i shouldnt stay awake after mere mortal sleeping times.. which i suppose should be at 12am or 11pm. I always lose track of time at night and stay way way WAY pass my bedtime. Not a good thing especially when lack of sleep can kill you faster than the lack of food can.

What i wanna say is, my new year's resolution has been busted so many times that it is laughable that i even called it one. I precisely broke it at 12am on 1/1/2012... Laughable is a weak word... this week alone i have broken it 7 times straight... Laughable.. sigh... when am i going to learn?

Loving the new song...

Loving this new song by Brian Joo... i never even heard of that guy until this song, Let this Die came out on youtube... hehe.. enjoy!!!

i think i like this new song coz its so so different from the normal korean songs which made me almost stereotype the korean songwriters to knowing only how to write slow songs and choreograph dances. The dances i love... the songs.. i usually mute it.. but this one really made me want to listen to it over and over again.. i love how jk raps in the song... I do think that the song is a combo between great piano recitals and a hint of the 90s type of reggae music... only that its tempo is faster with much deeper meaning to the lyrics than what drugged out reggae songwriters could have written in the past..

I think finding the translation for this song may have been the best action i had ever made in months... it made me realize that the song was right... sometimes we do trap ourselves in the past because it just seems more familiar and we do find it hard to let it go. Although this song is more relationship based than the philosophy i had just describe, sometimes i do think that when the past is no longer valid, we just have to let it go, or in this case let it die... definitely loving it to the fullest!!

Sweet Serendipity

and i am doing just fine

i am always landing on my feet

in the nick of time

i might have skinned my teeth

i ain't gonna stress

the worst could happen yet

something's watching over me

Like sweet serendipity..

Love love love this song... makes me happy...

xoxo

Nikki

The bad ass chick is up

i never tried drawing my waterline before... and the only thing that i can say is... I really look like a bad girl... had to take a pic with the dorky glasses to soften it up..

start or not???

it has been a week after 2012... i kinda feel so empty inside. if there is a kind of post that i post... then i do post a lot of emo post... in a lot of times, i feel that i have not yet fulfilled my full potential in this world... the more i think of it, the more i realized that i am just wasting my time away... do i start now, while i feel that i need to improve? or do i start later when i can finally sit down and think of stuff the way i do? i feel that the things of what i want to do is just out there, waiting for me to reach out and take it... if i do admit to myself, i do admit that i am impatient to do what i wanna do now

i keep reminding myself everyday to be patient, to wait for the right time to go forward... but do i have time? do i have the patience? but then i have no choice on being patient, right? i HAVE to be patient... then i ask myself, why am i idling right now? not doing enough to prepare myself when the time comes... then at this time, i feel like i am at crossroads... in fact, to be honest, i am not preparing myself for that right time and preparation is gold for that golden moment when i start...

the main point is, i have to start, even if it means that i have to start in the middle of my exam time, i do have to start and still juggle with my exams and all... i just feel that this is the right time... and i hope that i am right...