these days... i think i finally realized who i am... it finally made me realized that i have once again reverted back to the old me.. the old me before anything drastic in my life happened... i think for the first time in two years.. or maybe more than that, i can finally say that my mental scars healed... it was a long journey... but finally i can now safely say that i no longer narrow my views to just one strict path... drastic changes in your life can make you that way... some say that drastic changes make you mature.. but in my case, i think it made me more pessimistic.. more blind... more hurtful to others... but then i have also changed a lot... i don't 100% resemble my old self either... its as if everything just blended into place... tucked into the corners where they are necessary... it made me realize how stupid i am in handling all my previous problems... how naive i am... only my subconscious saved me from doing the wrong thing i guess... if i could have relived my life again... i would actually wish to right all the things that i have done... the decisions i made.. especially my naive self at that time of my life.. being pushed to one decision so subtly that i didn't realize that i was being coerced into doing so.. my mother's art of knowing me too well... but then she must have had her reason why..i was just simply not there to understand why... or maybe i do.. but i just dun wanna admit it... but then that was simply the biggest part of me that regretted the decision that i have made..
now i think i am better at getting myself out of ditches.. making my own decisions on choosing a path that i think will solve my problem... and the thought of actually solving a problem is a big improvement for me... in fact.. i dun think i linger on a solution that has no outings anymore... and sometimes... showing some stupidity helps... in fact... it helps a lot..!! but then stupidity is there for a reason.. to give an excuse not to think too much... haha... but these days... i think it is due to the lack of sleep.. i keep losing my trail of thoughts... especially in conversations.. and then i noticed i also panicked for reasons that are already evident why they are there in the first place... so exams.. i have a question for you... why are you draining my life right in front of my eyes, drop by drop? haha... as if the term exams are human..
anyway... cheers, going to sign off now..
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