cheng beng

After 3 years of her death i still can't bring myself to attend cheng beng with a calm heart. As the date draws near, its as if I am brought back to a place where I am helpless to stop something that was going to happen anyway. Burying her was the hardest... When they were about to do that, i threw a big fit, to never have her close to me or breathing somewhere above the ground was the hardest. To know, and to see for myself that the body inside that coffin going to the ground, never to resurface nor see her again that was the hardest. In the end, i was grateful that dad spared us both the pain of seeing her burning... burying was still ok, but seeing someone you love dearly burning would probably have put me in the mental ward today.

As I write this, my heart is probably breaking into pieces again. This is the first time that i have ever attended this ceremony. I do not mind celebrating her birthday, the new year or the mooncake festival with her. At least then, however stupid it may be, i can still pretend that she is alive and well somewhere. Which is ironic coz i do it in front of her memorial stone, but at least it feels like a balm to my heart.

These few days have been really hard for me, when i go to sleep, i dream a sweet memory of her, and i wake up disorientated, i wake up with a broken heart once again. Even knowing that this is killing me cell by cell, limb by limb, memory by memory, I still let it happen once again and it has been going on at least for a month. Sleeplessness this past week... pretending to be nonchalant when her memory is still as fresh as yesterday. The fact is, I miss her with every fiber of my being and i guess its time to face my fears and meet it head on. No pretty clothes or smiley face will complete my armor this time. I guess its time to go. I miss you dearly, I miss you so much that when the time draws near, I am shaking with the effort to pull myself forward to respectfully attend this ceremony. I never told you this when you were alive, and I wish that you can read this now, but I do love you, mom, I will always love you.

From your daughter, Chia Shing...