How i control my anger or negative emotions

this will be some sort of a random post. I think all these years I never really felt free. I find that most of the time, when a problem comes onto me, I am buried in that problem even though, i try to put half of my foot in, while the other is sticking out. This will be some sort of a purging to me, I guess. I think one of the most favorite things that I like to tell people is that to tell them to try to look outside their own compound even when they are having a problem. I had always thought I was able to do that, but perhaps I thought wrongly. There are times when a problem was just overwhelmingly hard to handle. In those times, I thought, if I was able to handle previous problems then I will be able to handle this. Because things were just too emotional, too hard, I sometimes picture myself splitting half of what is me and looking at my problem as a third person. As crazy as it may sound, it works, its a bit of a kind of comfort that you are not the only one going through all of these problems alone, there is a separate part of you that is with you too. So for me, that was the cue to "grow a spine" and just get through it. It also helps when you are really angry with someone. Making yourself wear his or her shoes for the moment changes the mood you are in because you are a human being, therefore you have the ability to empathize.

The thing is, this is not a good way to pull off when you are disciplining a child not to do what they did in the first place. With their soulful big doe eyes, suddenly quiet and attentive demeanor, they will definitely disarm you immediately if you put yourself in their shoes. Just suddenly picturing someone twice your height towering over you, with a scary face and your small heart beating. That is enough to really make your anger disappear immediately. Its also not effective when you are bargaining for a price for the product. Usually, during those times, i will try as hard to block out other emotions and focus on the task at hand or else i will never ever get the price point that i want. I guess in all good and bad things there is a limit.

I don't really know what i want to do after my exams. I want to try out some of the things, that is for sure. I also have a few things that is keeping me from what I wish to try. If I get it, it will be totally worthed it. It will definitely be worthed a shot.

I want to wait for my current exam results to come out first before i apply for a job. My spring semester results were just, let's just say, embarrassing. I don't even want to look at it and I don't even need to look at it to know that its just crap. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that i remember my average up to the decimal point and that just shows how the results really affected me. But before that, after my exam finishes i am going to work on my fyp program again. It is sufficient I guess for what i want to achieve in the fyp since its only a simple model of what the full program would be like. But i would like to work on it more. I guess it really boiled down to laziness this time. It took me like half a year to really get used to using javascript and mysql codes are sometimes a pain in the ass when you use php to do it. Actually, that is not true, it took me around three months to really get used to using javascript and i didnt learn ajax on time, and i still don't completely understand how I got the codeigniter script to work for me. So i really need to do that. I guess when it comes to university, except for the first code that you had really learn, the others depend only on your own efforts. the only lecturer that did taught me something on coding was my java lecturer from year one. I am grateful to him for that because that meant that it was easier for me to take up other programming languages since I knew the logic that came from all of that. the thing is, sometimes when you start coding in a new language, its like learning a new dialect of a language that you had already known. You know what you should say, you even know the grammars, but then you don't really remember the word for it, because you had mixed the language and the dialect up. That is probably the easiest way I can describe my problem with getting used to other programming languages.

I think to me, web programmers learn the most programming languages as when you compare them to other type of programmers. In web programming alone, you at least have to know, HTML, css, javascript and php to get to do something which is more dynamic. That alone is not enough as well, you will definitely need ajax as you go along the way, or else you will definitely trip yourself someday. And because web programs are crazy ass long and really complicated to look at, you definitely need to really practice programming principles or else if you go back and look at your codes one week after you last touched it, you need around at least 15minutes to understand where you are at and what you should do. and when you are sleep deprived, you will tend to blank out your mind every 30minutes you stare at your codes, then go back to it again, only to start once more trying to understand what you did. So comes the application of frameworks. Frameworks not only for the functions but later on, you will come to realize that you need a framework for your view as well. Because hell, css doesn't only contain css, there may be an opportunity for the programmer to add flash to the gui and then there are xmls then there are JSON and so many more stuff.

So when it boils down to one fact, why do I actually find web programming interesting? Honestly, I don't know why, so don't ask me why. I guess I am a sucker for being one of those people who likes being tortured. I just hope that i don't end up in the psych ward when I am done with web programming. But programming really helped with the level of my own patience. Why do I consider myself a patient person? I think I am one because I don't end up hitting the table every ten times my code doesn't go through when I learn and get used to a new programming language. there are just times when you wanna hurl the laptop to the landing which is two floors down from your own bedroom window. But you know you can't do that, because, firstly, you are a stingy person, secondly, its your life force, that patch of codes that you hate for just that one moment is what you slaved on for months. and thirdly because that precious laptop of yours contain not only your fyp but also the courseworks from your other modules. so you basically will be screwed if anything happened to that precious piece of crap that you have a love hate relationship with. Sometimes i think that i spend more time looking at my laptop's screen than any person's face. Hell, sometimes i even think that i see the dogs more often than i see a human's face in person.

Anyway I am starting to ramble too much. Haha, i feel like one of those really lonely and gossipy aunties right now. So i am gonna stop saying anything at all. Good night and sweet dreams