Changes

Moving on in life, you realized that there are just some things that will keep on popping up in your head. Especially those that made a big impact on you, but you just did not realize it at that point. Looking back now, there are just certain things that I did do naively, causing so much destruction and perhaps even sever ties in a way i didn't really expect to happen. But when you think of it, and think of yourself today, you realized that that incident had made you a much better person, a more caring person. I'd like to think myself as more grown up, but then growing up is an everyday process, it does not stop at one point. Although I didn't realize it at the point, it was actually a turning point of my life. Having went back, and then come back, learning to adapt with just a blink of an eye. You learn that sometimes turning away and focusing on the other part of your emotions are crucial. I think if i was really honest with myself, I didn't learn to really focus on other parts while your emotions are churning until this year. If you can't do it, then just try and try and try until you get things right.

Now that I think of it, my friend was right, he did say that my assumption in stuff was causing a lot of pain. But it wasn't that incident which started it. Looking back at it, I had the right to do so. But then that aside, I didn't think that it was wrong because if one spelled concern about something, as a friend it is necessary to ask the source whether the concern was straightforward or not. To me, that was the way it was, and that is the way it should be. So, to me, there was nothing wrong about the incident.

But then i guess the pain should start when i started spewing nonsense about a classmate of mine. Forgive me, but then i can be gossipy at a lot of times. Just that this particular time, i did hurt an innocent in doing so. For that, I think I would forever regret that part of my life. My general weakness is perhaps not liking people who does not at least try to learn. Hate would be too harsh a word, but annoyed at people who does not at least try to get out of a bad situation is perhaps the best word to describe a dislike for that kind of individual. Sometimes when i think back, I do let this kind of annoyance overshadow what i tell people about them. But then, when you think back about it. Should she be judged so harshly? I am not a perfect person too, and people do not judge my shortcomings as harsh as i judged hers. Instead of putting her in a gray zone, i actually labelled her color and put a stamp on it. Even though i do not know her well, she should have some space to move in, in fact because i do not know her well, she should have more wiggle space than other people.

Now that i think of it, i should not have judged people based on other people's opinion or what i see on my own from first glance. In the past it may have helped me at my survival instincts, but now that i actually did open my eyes to certain stuff, i do see the good and bad in a person and especially the grays in between. Like i said, i would like to think that i had grown up myself, but then would these rose colored glasses continue to pop up in life once in a while? That i do not know, only time can tell i guess...

People did say that they wanted to change me, but then the thing is, I do not want to be changed, I want to grow slowly to develop my individuality and to develop something that is uniquely me. To that, I would probably say, sorry, but I just do not need a person like you in my life. If you want to shape a person to your ideal, sorry, do not pick me. To change me, would mean to do my other half a disfavor, to rob him off of his match. So to girls and guys out there, if a person says that they want to change you, then remember this, although people can't see it yet, you are uniquely beautiful and you are uniquely special. If you want to change, do it because you want to do it, not because people said you should do so. To that end, you will have fewer regrets, because if you were to go through life again, you will know that you will do the same thing again, regardless of everything else.