i hated my sunday... i was bored the whole day through... although the food was great, i can't taste it... it looked great in other ways... i felt a whole lot of nostalgia going over me... face it, chia shing... i am just not happy... i don't like the conversations, it just plain freaks me out, and i hate putting myself into a vulnerable position with people i just plain have no feelings with... i feel as if i am this doll playacting in her own prissy role, acting delicate, overly sweet just for the sake of the day, dress up because plain vanity and pride won't let me act otherwise... i kept thinking to myself, when did i become such a bitch in my life? why did i get myself in a position i abhor as plain as day? its just why why why until i really pleaded to go back because of sleepiness... which i didnt feel on that day... i should solve this problem... i just need to act upon it...
On monday, it was already 13.50 and my class starts at 14.00, my marathon of smses started again... while i was getting my phone out, my keys fell off somewhere... i spent 15 minutes searching for it... finally found it beside the staircase.. silly me... silly me for being so frustrated till everything in my life turned upside down... still the smses annoyed me for the whole day...
i feel as if i want to throw the phone off just to have my peace, keep my cool... i didnt reply it... i just didnt want to talk, i don't want to see it...
tuesday, its another morning nikita again... seriously, i am really starting to hate that name...if i received another okluu... or another sniff or another T.T or another ones of my full names...i am going to dump my phone into the dustbin...seriously this is just pissing me off big time... can't u get it into your freaking head that "I DON'T LIKE TO BE STALKED"...? i don't like to reply to each and every single sms like i have to pass up reports... i don't even have to reply them... seriously my total sms reach like 200 to 300 in ONE DAMNED FREAKING WEEK!!! i can't concentrate, i can't study, i can't freaking just focus... the one thing i am assured of myself is that, i am selfish by nature... i always will be...so just leave me in peace or else i will freaking chuck u out myself...
"mary, long time no see", i raised my tawny head and realized that it was him, he came back, my first and probably the last one who filled my heart and soul.. the familiar strong slavic features, the lush thickness of his lips tilted at the corners for a leeway of a smile...
"why didnt u give me a call before u came here?" i asked, he shrugged.
"would you have agreed to meet with me if i did, mary?"
i stared down into those fathomless eyes of his... his dark brown irises speckled with yearning.. it chipped at me inside... then i turned away and started to walk towards my apartment... suddenly he took a step forward and reached out for my arms..
"look at me, mary, we still haven't solved this between us"
"jason, please, let the past be the past... there are no us now.. just let me go" he turned me around, using those strong callused fingers i know so well to tilt up my face, forcing me to look at him in the eyes..for awhile i lost myself there... yearning for what he could give me, yet i was afraid of reaching out to him, for what i could have had or would have with him if i just gave my feelings a chance to grow and mature... yet the unknown sparked up my fear again and again, forcing me to turn my face aside..
"mary.." he leaned his forehead against my temple, i could feel his breath down the collar of my workclothes. i laid my hands on his chest, intending to push him away. But at once it felt as if my hands was paralyzed to the feel of his deep chest, the warm baritone that caused his chest to rumble...
"let me go jason...please do it right now..."he clasped me tighter into his arms seeming to be more and more reluctant to release me as each second passed... then coldness, my body felt the loss of his comfortable heat. he looked at me in the eyes once more and tipped his hat in a mock then smiled that mischievious grin of his before he strode away from me... but not before i caught the sad look in his eyes, as he slowly walked away from my cowardice in silence...
excerpt from iridescence
"why didnt u give me a call before u came here?" i asked, he shrugged.
"would you have agreed to meet with me if i did, mary?"
i stared down into those fathomless eyes of his... his dark brown irises speckled with yearning.. it chipped at me inside... then i turned away and started to walk towards my apartment... suddenly he took a step forward and reached out for my arms..
"look at me, mary, we still haven't solved this between us"
"jason, please, let the past be the past... there are no us now.. just let me go" he turned me around, using those strong callused fingers i know so well to tilt up my face, forcing me to look at him in the eyes..for awhile i lost myself there... yearning for what he could give me, yet i was afraid of reaching out to him, for what i could have had or would have with him if i just gave my feelings a chance to grow and mature... yet the unknown sparked up my fear again and again, forcing me to turn my face aside..
"mary.." he leaned his forehead against my temple, i could feel his breath down the collar of my workclothes. i laid my hands on his chest, intending to push him away. But at once it felt as if my hands was paralyzed to the feel of his deep chest, the warm baritone that caused his chest to rumble...
"let me go jason...please do it right now..."he clasped me tighter into his arms seeming to be more and more reluctant to release me as each second passed... then coldness, my body felt the loss of his comfortable heat. he looked at me in the eyes once more and tipped his hat in a mock then smiled that mischievious grin of his before he strode away from me... but not before i caught the sad look in his eyes, as he slowly walked away from my cowardice in silence...
excerpt from iridescence
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