and there u'll always be

and there u'll always be, in the regions of my frail heart, missing you, loving you, always and beyond

Happy mother's day!!

Happy mother's day everyone!!! So, i read this random post from somebody that day saying that mother's day may go against the person's beliefs which i do think is a stupid idea. So i asked myself, why do we really celebrate mother's day? To me, mother's day is just like a person's birthday, sure, ur parents celebrate having u everyday and probably felt lucky from the first day you were born to luckily have you too. and you too celebrate having them every day of your life. but the fact is, we do appreciate them every single day, mother's day is a kind of emphasis and a special day just for that particular person. A time when you at least get the lamest excuse to spoil her and for those shy kids, get to do something for your mother without being called a momma's boy or momma's girl. as you may notice, for girls, that is a compliment, for guys, well, we do know that the fact probably embarrasses the hell out of them sometimes. the fact is, this one day is celebrated just for your beloved ones to feel particularly special. All the happiness, all the joy and a kind of awareness that promotes the goodness and to once again rejoice having your beloved mother in your life... - that to me, is mother's day.

My mother went through a lot of ups and downs with me, from everytime i cried when i had a scabbed knees, from the way she fussed over me when i got bloody knees again, from the talks we used to have every single night before we went to bed and also the way she would put on her dainty glasses, stitching my blanket carefully with love. the most endearing memory i had of her was probably when she hung up the blue snoopy curtains in my room and asked me excitedly whether it was cute and pretty or not. At that time, although i thought the curtains were goofy, the way she turned back her head and asked me if they were nice or not just suddenly made the curtains beautiful. Since the day she put it up, I never once took down the curtains, not even when i restructured and redecorated my whole room. Not until the start of this semester did i tell my brother to do it for me. I had a special reason for doing so. It nearly broke my heart to think of it down, but that was the best thing i could come up with for that particular time.

snatches of convo...

Me: Sir, i do not know why he chose to change his course since he is quite good at programming.

Lecturer: Perhaps he does not know what he wants. I know some people who can be brilliant and score or even make it to the dean list for a straight two years and still not end up as a programmer. I had a student once who had all straight As for her STPM, then chose computer science and still made it to the top of the class. Then when she transferred her credits to Cornell University, she did very well and made it to the dean list till she graduated from there. And you would never guess what her occupation is right now.

Me: Is she an accountant right now?

Lecturer: No.

He shook his head and continue onwards.

Lecturer: She is now a broadway musical actress and when i asked her why she didn't become a programmer, she told me that she finally found the love of her life on the theater and she will never regret studying computer science.

While you are at something, give it your best shot but do what u love when u have completed that task. Without passion, there won't be success, but while you are at it, do your best coz u never know where it will lead you to.

Changes

Moving on in life, you realized that there are just some things that will keep on popping up in your head. Especially those that made a big impact on you, but you just did not realize it at that point. Looking back now, there are just certain things that I did do naively, causing so much destruction and perhaps even sever ties in a way i didn't really expect to happen. But when you think of it, and think of yourself today, you realized that that incident had made you a much better person, a more caring person. I'd like to think myself as more grown up, but then growing up is an everyday process, it does not stop at one point. Although I didn't realize it at the point, it was actually a turning point of my life. Having went back, and then come back, learning to adapt with just a blink of an eye. You learn that sometimes turning away and focusing on the other part of your emotions are crucial. I think if i was really honest with myself, I didn't learn to really focus on other parts while your emotions are churning until this year. If you can't do it, then just try and try and try until you get things right.

Now that I think of it, my friend was right, he did say that my assumption in stuff was causing a lot of pain. But it wasn't that incident which started it. Looking back at it, I had the right to do so. But then that aside, I didn't think that it was wrong because if one spelled concern about something, as a friend it is necessary to ask the source whether the concern was straightforward or not. To me, that was the way it was, and that is the way it should be. So, to me, there was nothing wrong about the incident.

But then i guess the pain should start when i started spewing nonsense about a classmate of mine. Forgive me, but then i can be gossipy at a lot of times. Just that this particular time, i did hurt an innocent in doing so. For that, I think I would forever regret that part of my life. My general weakness is perhaps not liking people who does not at least try to learn. Hate would be too harsh a word, but annoyed at people who does not at least try to get out of a bad situation is perhaps the best word to describe a dislike for that kind of individual. Sometimes when i think back, I do let this kind of annoyance overshadow what i tell people about them. But then, when you think back about it. Should she be judged so harshly? I am not a perfect person too, and people do not judge my shortcomings as harsh as i judged hers. Instead of putting her in a gray zone, i actually labelled her color and put a stamp on it. Even though i do not know her well, she should have some space to move in, in fact because i do not know her well, she should have more wiggle space than other people.

Now that i think of it, i should not have judged people based on other people's opinion or what i see on my own from first glance. In the past it may have helped me at my survival instincts, but now that i actually did open my eyes to certain stuff, i do see the good and bad in a person and especially the grays in between. Like i said, i would like to think that i had grown up myself, but then would these rose colored glasses continue to pop up in life once in a while? That i do not know, only time can tell i guess...

People did say that they wanted to change me, but then the thing is, I do not want to be changed, I want to grow slowly to develop my individuality and to develop something that is uniquely me. To that, I would probably say, sorry, but I just do not need a person like you in my life. If you want to shape a person to your ideal, sorry, do not pick me. To change me, would mean to do my other half a disfavor, to rob him off of his match. So to girls and guys out there, if a person says that they want to change you, then remember this, although people can't see it yet, you are uniquely beautiful and you are uniquely special. If you want to change, do it because you want to do it, not because people said you should do so. To that end, you will have fewer regrets, because if you were to go through life again, you will know that you will do the same thing again, regardless of everything else.

Boredom

There is a kind of laziness that needs to be eliminated within me. I am so bored that i don't feel like doing anything else. And there are piles and piles of stuff for me to do and yet i am idling. The which step have u reached today poster is just above me. My status for the day is only from level 0 to level 2... Are you happy? That is the question that i should be asking myself. My answer is no, my productivity level is zero and i am going to hell when the exam time comes. Bank account for the day is decreasing too.

But i sit here, strung out coz i didnt even do anything at all except whine for the day... my breathing feels constricted and i feel lethargic. In my head, they are all excuses, excuses, excuses... I am bored, books bore me, writing bores me, food bores me, sitting here bores me. How do you pull yourself up again and move to the next level? Even youtube now bores me. I should go somewhere else... but hey, i dun want to. Even watching new episodes of comedies bore me... sigh... i should start studying, huh?

cheng beng

After 3 years of her death i still can't bring myself to attend cheng beng with a calm heart. As the date draws near, its as if I am brought back to a place where I am helpless to stop something that was going to happen anyway. Burying her was the hardest... When they were about to do that, i threw a big fit, to never have her close to me or breathing somewhere above the ground was the hardest. To know, and to see for myself that the body inside that coffin going to the ground, never to resurface nor see her again that was the hardest. In the end, i was grateful that dad spared us both the pain of seeing her burning... burying was still ok, but seeing someone you love dearly burning would probably have put me in the mental ward today.

As I write this, my heart is probably breaking into pieces again. This is the first time that i have ever attended this ceremony. I do not mind celebrating her birthday, the new year or the mooncake festival with her. At least then, however stupid it may be, i can still pretend that she is alive and well somewhere. Which is ironic coz i do it in front of her memorial stone, but at least it feels like a balm to my heart.

These few days have been really hard for me, when i go to sleep, i dream a sweet memory of her, and i wake up disorientated, i wake up with a broken heart once again. Even knowing that this is killing me cell by cell, limb by limb, memory by memory, I still let it happen once again and it has been going on at least for a month. Sleeplessness this past week... pretending to be nonchalant when her memory is still as fresh as yesterday. The fact is, I miss her with every fiber of my being and i guess its time to face my fears and meet it head on. No pretty clothes or smiley face will complete my armor this time. I guess its time to go. I miss you dearly, I miss you so much that when the time draws near, I am shaking with the effort to pull myself forward to respectfully attend this ceremony. I never told you this when you were alive, and I wish that you can read this now, but I do love you, mom, I will always love you.

From your daughter, Chia Shing...

tired eyes

So... these days... been having a lot of tired eyes days... Not only do i stare at the computer for too long, but i really torture my eyes by wearing contacts for too long a duration. I suppose I should get a new pair of glasses that suits me better which involves it not slipping down my nose all the time. and i shouldnt stay awake after mere mortal sleeping times.. which i suppose should be at 12am or 11pm. I always lose track of time at night and stay way way WAY pass my bedtime. Not a good thing especially when lack of sleep can kill you faster than the lack of food can.

What i wanna say is, my new year's resolution has been busted so many times that it is laughable that i even called it one. I precisely broke it at 12am on 1/1/2012... Laughable is a weak word... this week alone i have broken it 7 times straight... Laughable.. sigh... when am i going to learn?

Loving the new song...

Loving this new song by Brian Joo... i never even heard of that guy until this song, Let this Die came out on youtube... hehe.. enjoy!!!

i think i like this new song coz its so so different from the normal korean songs which made me almost stereotype the korean songwriters to knowing only how to write slow songs and choreograph dances. The dances i love... the songs.. i usually mute it.. but this one really made me want to listen to it over and over again.. i love how jk raps in the song... I do think that the song is a combo between great piano recitals and a hint of the 90s type of reggae music... only that its tempo is faster with much deeper meaning to the lyrics than what drugged out reggae songwriters could have written in the past..

I think finding the translation for this song may have been the best action i had ever made in months... it made me realize that the song was right... sometimes we do trap ourselves in the past because it just seems more familiar and we do find it hard to let it go. Although this song is more relationship based than the philosophy i had just describe, sometimes i do think that when the past is no longer valid, we just have to let it go, or in this case let it die... definitely loving it to the fullest!!

Sweet Serendipity

and i am doing just fine

i am always landing on my feet

in the nick of time

i might have skinned my teeth

i ain't gonna stress

the worst could happen yet

something's watching over me

Like sweet serendipity..

Love love love this song... makes me happy...

xoxo

Nikki

The bad ass chick is up

i never tried drawing my waterline before... and the only thing that i can say is... I really look like a bad girl... had to take a pic with the dorky glasses to soften it up..

start or not???

it has been a week after 2012... i kinda feel so empty inside. if there is a kind of post that i post... then i do post a lot of emo post... in a lot of times, i feel that i have not yet fulfilled my full potential in this world... the more i think of it, the more i realized that i am just wasting my time away... do i start now, while i feel that i need to improve? or do i start later when i can finally sit down and think of stuff the way i do? i feel that the things of what i want to do is just out there, waiting for me to reach out and take it... if i do admit to myself, i do admit that i am impatient to do what i wanna do now

i keep reminding myself everyday to be patient, to wait for the right time to go forward... but do i have time? do i have the patience? but then i have no choice on being patient, right? i HAVE to be patient... then i ask myself, why am i idling right now? not doing enough to prepare myself when the time comes... then at this time, i feel like i am at crossroads... in fact, to be honest, i am not preparing myself for that right time and preparation is gold for that golden moment when i start...

the main point is, i have to start, even if it means that i have to start in the middle of my exam time, i do have to start and still juggle with my exams and all... i just feel that this is the right time... and i hope that i am right...