these days i'm a bit dazed. it seems as if my life here is no longer real. i went through a lot of stuffs in my head. my head keeps telling me, "marissa you need to go, pack up your stuff, do your things and just go". then it goes, "tell supa about it, tell eng about it, tell cheow wei about it, tell nisa about it". then when i walk beside somebody, my head keep telling me that i should tell them that i'm going. i'm confused right now. the way that i'm telling this seems like i'm suffering from schizophrenia. i can tell you fully that i'm not, the guilt is just killing me inside. when i sit inside the car on the way back home i looked closely at the leaves, the trees, then i try to finish my homework on time. but then i saved a whole lot of ebooks from the net, so to bury my aching soul in oblivion, i read fictional characters, escaping from my life for a short moment. then i worry about how i am going to break the news again. the whole thing just repeats again and again.
mom messaged me today. she told me to fax a copy of my recent result sheets. i went into a whole lot of problems for at least half an hour before i can fax anything through. i was really wasting a lot of time. i haven't finished my homework because i read the whole novel(wicked deeds on winter nights by kreshley cole) at one go yesterday. it was better than her recent two series and i loved it. i still got a pile of homework to finish but i really couldn't help myself and i still got twenty over books in my hard drive just begging for me to finish everything. what i need to do now is focus on my studies which i can't seem to do so. my willpower is really flagging. all i want to do now is read and write my novels. it's becoming an addiction for me. if i admitted to myself truthfully, this is what i can do naturally and not really become bored or lose interest in. when i write something on cards or even write one short essay, i can think up the plot within minutes and the rest just comes naturally like flowing water. and that is ultimately why i won't give up sitting for the English AS exam for the general paper this november. i just can't. as for the commentaries, i already got familiar with it. i like to spot the small stuffs and think of what it means right now. when i chose the subject this year, when i just heard about the topics it covers i knew it would suit me better than anything else. and you know what, i never thought how well it would fit me. it was as if i was going home. the familiar grounds of my life.