努力

林佳馨，打起精神！！自己不是白痴，而是一位有感情，非常珍惜友谊的一个人！！！加油！！做得到的！！现在的所有烦恼都是暂时的！！！自己的未来才是最重要的。。。冲啊！！！

cray-crayness..

Tick Tock, Tick Tock,

There goes the clock...

I used to take time for granted... now i am scrambling for time itself...

2 programs, 2 reports... all due tomorrow... and i still dun understand how to update the JTable... i feel so stupid and useless these days... my program can run perfectly... but then it doesnt give me the output that i desire... shit shit shit... i dun think i will be able to pass it up tomoro... even the database itself updates perfectly... not my JPanel... or my JTable for the fact... stupid fire doesnt even work... going once, going twice... i am OFFICIALLY CRAZY!!!

by someone or something who is going cray-cray...

time and time again

Is it time for me to feel again i wonder? At least I know now that i can feel other emotions other than the norm... as i had for a long long time... Time and time again i wonder when i would feel again... but this is not the time nor the place... and if i had nothing to lose then i probably would have completed what i wanted to do since i was a little kid... but with everything to lose and my instinctive fear of the unknown, I will not pursue things i want to pursue... somehow it makes me a coward and i hate that feeling...

Steve Jobs once said in his 2005 commencement "Live everyday as it is your last and you will overcome your fear of pursuing your dreams"... but then being brought up in a family that tolerates no failures... this habit of mine is hard to curb, especially when i hit potholes in the journey of my life... my mom was not even allowed to make mistakes when she was here... how can i as a mere daughter make mistakes in my life? especially mistakes that will involve my family financially... sometimes i do feel that there is more installed for me in the future rather than i am now... Can i wait? Do i wait?

The rambling thoughts of my mind...

nikki...

Inglot!!!

Damn it!!! I actually managed to let another soft opening of another famous new store to slip pass me again..!!! Anyway... i am too lazy to move now after exam so soft opening or whatsoever, be damned... haha... o... by the way... their soft opening is today and its held at Sunway pyramid, KL...haha...

haha... anyway... inglot is actually a british brand and their eye shadow colours are amazing... coz they blend out so beautifully and so smoothly that it feels like you are kind of working with water colors instead of eyeshadows... haha.. at least that is what xSparkage said... she did a few makeup tutorials using these eyeshadows... and i am actually surprised that they would have their first south east asian store in malaysia rather than singapore... in my opinion... i think they do have better quality makeup products than Mac.. coz when you compare all the swatches on the online pics using Mac products with Inglot products... Inglot products actually do fare better... but then i think even if i went there... i would only do some busybody-ing only... coz it would be more expensive than what i will be able to afford anyway...

anyway... since coming to kl... my main hobby is to molest all the goods that i cant really afford anyway... haha... but it is educational... makes you know the difference between the real and the fake products without having to go through all the spendings and stuff like that...

anyways.. with the acid splasher hanging around the sunway area recently... i doubt that i would even think of putting one foot on the turf of sunway pyramid when i don't have a car to promise me that i could go back straight away... so... sigh... longing... hehe... INGLOT!!!


signing off...

these days...

these days i am feeling really really lazy... i am having my exams in 3days... i still havent touched the book yet... i already looked through the question though... i am like thinking... if die die lo.. who cares... and i may come to regret thinking like that directly after the exams... i let myself down...

these days... i think i finally realized who i am... it finally made me realized that i have once again reverted back to the old me.. the old me before anything drastic in my life happened... i think for the first time in two years.. or maybe more than that, i can finally say that my mental scars healed... it was a long journey... but finally i can now safely say that i no longer narrow my views to just one strict path... drastic changes in your life can make you that way... some say that drastic changes make you mature.. but in my case, i think it made me more pessimistic.. more blind... more hurtful to others... but then i have also changed a lot... i don't 100% resemble my old self either... its as if everything just blended into place... tucked into the corners where they are necessary... it made me realize how stupid i am in handling all my previous problems... how naive i am... only my subconscious saved me from doing the wrong thing i guess... if i could have relived my life again... i would actually wish to right all the things that i have done... the decisions i made.. especially my naive self at that time of my life.. being pushed to one decision so subtly that i didn't realize that i was being coerced into doing so.. my mother's art of knowing me too well... but then she must have had her reason why..i was just simply not there to understand why... or maybe i do.. but i just dun wanna admit it... but then that was simply the biggest part of me that regretted the decision that i have made..

now i think i am better at getting myself out of ditches.. making my own decisions on choosing a path that i think will solve my problem... and the thought of actually solving a problem is a big improvement for me... in fact.. i dun think i linger on a solution that has no outings anymore... and sometimes... showing some stupidity helps... in fact... it helps a lot..!! but then stupidity is there for a reason.. to give an excuse not to think too much... haha... but these days... i think it is due to the lack of sleep.. i keep losing my trail of thoughts... especially in conversations.. and then i noticed i also panicked for reasons that are already evident why they are there in the first place... so exams.. i have a question for you... why are you draining my life right in front of my eyes, drop by drop? haha... as if the term exams are human..

anyway... cheers, going to sign off now..

what i find disturbing...

http://lifestyle.malaysia.msn.com/Relationships/Singletons/article.aspx?cp-documentid=4822304&page=0

The above is actually an article about what turns a guy off about single ladies... To be honest... i find the fact number 1 to 6 a turn off ABOUT GUYS... not that all guys are necessary like that... but then either coincidentally or not... it describes the fact why i dump those previous guys i dated... they are simply the overdoses of all those 6 facts... clingy, dunno what they want, plan for a picket fence and childrens not on the third date... but on the SECOND freaking date!!! But the thing i find as the biggest turn off in the history of mankind, is not sticking and bearing all the good and bad part of an activity that you will know will bring you advantages in the end. All those whining are simply ANNOYING!!!

I don't know why women insist on dreaming up a family and having lots of kids when they are the ones bearing those labor pains and 9 months of excruciating pregnancy. I think it is unfair to label all the above facts entirely to women... and since all childrens have one biological mother and one biological father, it just makes sense that those characters can be inherited either by the female or the male child... so everyone in this world, either u are a guy or a girl, u will have a 50% chance of having those traits.. do not and please do not make the same mistake of prototyping a gender to a character...

痴情...

Sometimes i can't understand a person waiting for someone until it spans to years... especially when a person is so young...maybe its because i haven't been able to love another person in a long time already... or i am probably just envying the power and the willingness to wait for a memory... for me... a person needs only to wait on another person for a maximum of 5 years, more than that, i most probably will attach stupidity on his or her head. for me, unless you are waiting for a person whom u are married to, your maximum waiting time is 5 years... if it drags more than that, it really makes a person wonder whether they ever think about the factors of people changing over time. as time passes, people change, new habits are developed, new set of conversations are spoken, new sets of hobbies are taken up... so what do you have left in common with the person you have not seen for years? let alone have a relationship with something nearer to a mirage rather than reality? this is just my opinion, this article can mainly just be a case study of my natural curiousity..

ps... comments are widely welcomed...

mood swings...

for me the definition of mood swings have always been more towards the downside of it... the feeling of being pressed on the chest so hard, that your breath feels long and choppy.. the feeling as if your heart has dropped to the deepest end of your soul, beating and working too hard to keep you alive... the feeling of what people call depression... that is what i am feeling half an hour ago... the feeling of being so down in the pit that you struggle so hard to make yourself come out of that hole again...

sometimes, i do wonder, can i blame what i experienced through so far? people may understand if you tried to explain it... but when you come to think of it... is it only an excuse for you to do so? shouldn't you learn to not feel it and get out of it all the time when you do? previously when i felt this way... i would just sleep myself through the emotion then wake up unscathed... Although i noe its the coward's way out but most of the times it works... but at times it would turn worst... plunging me into full depression where i would just wake up crying because my heart felt just so squished... i think the saddest people in the world are people who can't get or wouldn't try to even get themselves out of what they are feeling.. when luxury becomes the norm, emotions are your worst enemy... i know them well... and i hate them for such a reason...

my solution for this? rock music... although people may say that the more you listen to rock music or hip hop music, the more violent your soul is... i guess if that is true then my soul is indeed violent... i love those musics... and i rarely listen to soft musics... if i can avoid them altogether... i hate them sometimes in fact... that is why i can never sit in my dad's car without my earphones on or have something to distract me from the music he likes... but what i like about rock music is that when u are feeling down... it kinds of drowns out all of the unwanted emotion.. making your path in front clear and peaceful again... although the lyrics say otherwise.. i guess maybe i am just not like other girls... which i cant say much of it...

Nikita signing off..

Annual dinner night at aprilfools day 2011

Haha... vain photos of myself b4 annual dinner...it washed my blush out due to the sunlight outside... but then i dun think there was enuf of it to begin with...


I think the nature of my makeup didnt really show up well in the pictures... but i never really seen myself with full makeup before this... and when i walked halfway to gwen's place, i was so damn paranoid that i started to call her... my first words were:
"oh my god, gwen..."
and her first words were:
"are u ok or not?"
hahaha... it was so damned funny... i was freaking out coz i never wear full makeup. They scare me coz i looked scarily pretty... and i do mean scarily pretty... coz it doesnt really look like me and at the same time it is an extra enhanced version of me... as if i had implants or something... haha... anyway... nevermind that... the email told us to be at the busstand by 5.30... i kept rushing gwen to finish her stuff on time. I on the other hand was throwing stuff inside gwen's dinner bag, while she prepared as fast as she could and when we got there... the bus was not even half full.. Then we started chatting in the bus... in the middle of the convo, i just suddenly asked gwen:
"gwen, did u take the mos ticket..." and she was like "o shit"... haha... we worried about the time coz the email said we were supposed to depart at 5.30 and it was already 5.50. In the end we just decided to ask the guy who was in charge whether we could go and get our stuff then come back or something. Luckily he said that they were departing at 6pm or else we are surely busted... we kind of ambled on towards gwen's room with our super high heels and looking at gwen's expression at the time... the shoes should have caused her a lot of pain...anyway.. we managed to get everything we wanted and came back sharp at 6pm... i think most of the vietnamese attended the annual dinner and most of the girls really dressed themselves up in debutante dresses which were white and flowy with a lot of chiffon going on... compared to them, my dress felt very casual. As bad as i normally am... i was thinking..."they are sure gonna regret their decision of dressing up in debutante dresses..." I thought of that because:
1. they cannot go clubbing with those dresses...
2.they are gonna have a hard time cleaning the hem of the dress coz they are going to walk through a pile of not exactly clean and dry floor
haha... i know i am evil... just don't remind me of it...

this is the main entrance of the sunway pyramid hotel... i went here once... i like the pool area, it was nice... but other than that... this hotel is freaking expensive with room prices of rm400 to rm500 per night...
me posing with the fake elephant outside the hotel...

gwen posing in front of the elephant in front of the hotel...

gwen taking pix of the girls u see on the left hand side of the pix above...

me and gwen... so sweet...hehe..
me and gwen showing off...hehe...

i noe its kind of disgusting sometimes... but then this pic is at the toilet area... haha... we made sure that it didn't smell before taking this pic.. u can see my eyes are red that day.. its not the play of the light...

ok... gwen was right... i do look scary in this pic... i think i look like a phantom...haha...

my shoes are the black ones... gwen's is the hot pink cinderella one... hehe... i chose that shoe because i was thinking more about clubbing later on than anything else...

another pic of our shoes...hmmm... my decision wasn't so bad... coz i saw another girl really had on the hard core boots for the annual dinner night...

this was the opening ceremony of the annual dinner "deception" 2011... i am a lousy photographer... i admit... hehe... it looks more like a nuclear explosion than the laser light...
me and gwen... hehe... i love this pic the best... thank you chuan yang for taking our photo... or else it would end up badly...hehe... if i took it...

we went to MOS i think around 11 and partied until 3am in the morn... had only one glass of white wine coz it was complimentary... the dj rocks... i really like the techno songs he played... and some of the girls from the prom even got artistic and did a stripper like dance on the podium (hehe.. sorry boys... it's sans the stripping of clothes part). me and gwen really dance till our feet ached like crazy.. anyway... after that we went to 7 11 for awhile and bought a drink and waited for the bus later on... in the bus... we slept from the time we departed from mos...until we reached semenyih... i dunno much about gwen but i knew i felt instantly awake when i opened my eyes and saw that we had already reached semenyih... later on... we were like contemplating whether to go to gwen's room or not... coz she said the moment she hit her room, she didn't think that she wanted to come out anymore... but in the end we did and luckily we did, coz i dun think that she would be able to walk properly in those heels when we finally finished our drinking session and came back in the morning...

hehe... daniel and chuan yang were so sweet... they walked me back to my hall and daniel accompanied me until my doorstep... i did sway at least 3 times because of drunkenness... haha... i dun even think drunkenness is a word... anyway...i dropped the keys when i was outside my room.. daniel laughed... and i was wondering in my inebriated state how i got myself into this position... haha... anyway.. the drinking session was fun... and tip of the day: NEVER EVER AND I SAID NEVER EVER mix kickapoo with a bottle of mandarin tasted vodka... yuck... that was the worst drink ever in my life... it tasted like those antibiotic lemony cough medicine they give in RIPAS... ewww... only that it is worst because of the alcohol smell... 7up and vodka is not that bad but then it still tasted like meds... only that it is now in my number 2 lists of worst drink ever in my life... hahaha... i was knocked out after that session... and i dunno how i even managed to have a shower in that state before i collasped on the bed...

note from this experience: never do it again if u can avoid it.. the vodka tasted like shit with sodas, and never wear high heels when u noe u are going to get drunk...hahaha...

to my mom

scene:

Finally my tweety bag is mended, i despaired it over the few days coz it was my favorite bag and it was so cute but the thing was that it was plastic which means although i suck at needlework, i couldn't just mend it with a few clumsy stitches. I have to thank the maid for doing such a good job over it. finally i spotted her as she walked into her room.

"Terima kasih ya" I told the maid. She looked at me blankly and just nodded her head. Seeing her confusion i pointed to my bag, so she nodded her head again. My mom came and she asked me,
"你在做什么， 佳馨？"
“哦， 啊咪啊， 你看他帮我做的...”
"他怎么可能会帮你做这些...是我做的。"
with that sentence she looked a bit wounded that i would think that the maid repaired my bag instead of her.
"妈咪啊，我真的以为是他做的， 因为我真的以为你叫他做的嘛"
"不是他做的，你觉得他会做到这样好给你吗？"
“但是你每次都只是疼eu kean 而已， 你都不疼我的...”
"为什么你会这样子想呢？ 你不知道孩子如果像爸爸或妈妈就等于他的爸爸或妈妈就疼她比较多吗？"
with a hurt look she turned away teary eyed and just walked towards the master bedroom, i stood there watching her, while stroking the silk pieces of cloth that she uses to mend my bag. Even with my 9 year old eyes i could see the perfect and tight stitches she used to make the pieces of cloth stay on the plastic tweety bag. My heart felt warm, secure while i regretted hurting her that much during that day. My 9 year old mind could see what a desperate mother and wife she had become when she just came back from the philippines with my dad. If i could turn back time and correct what i was saying that day, i would have dearly with all my heart...

writing as chia shing in this piece...

i hate these days

i hated my sunday... i was bored the whole day through... although the food was great, i can't taste it... it looked great in other ways... i felt a whole lot of nostalgia going over me... face it, chia shing... i am just not happy... i don't like the conversations, it just plain freaks me out, and i hate putting myself into a vulnerable position with people i just plain have no feelings with... i feel as if i am this doll playacting in her own prissy role, acting delicate, overly sweet just for the sake of the day, dress up because plain vanity and pride won't let me act otherwise... i kept thinking to myself, when did i become such a bitch in my life? why did i get myself in a position i abhor as plain as day? its just why why why until i really pleaded to go back because of sleepiness... which i didnt feel on that day... i should solve this problem... i just need to act upon it...

On monday, it was already 13.50 and my class starts at 14.00, my marathon of smses started again... while i was getting my phone out, my keys fell off somewhere... i spent 15 minutes searching for it... finally found it beside the staircase.. silly me... silly me for being so frustrated till everything in my life turned upside down... still the smses annoyed me for the whole day...
i feel as if i want to throw the phone off just to have my peace, keep my cool... i didnt reply it... i just didnt want to talk, i don't want to see it...

tuesday, its another morning nikita again... seriously, i am really starting to hate that name...if i received another okluu... or another sniff or another T.T or another ones of my full names...i am going to dump my phone into the dustbin...seriously this is just pissing me off big time... can't u get it into your freaking head that "I DON'T LIKE TO BE STALKED"...? i don't like to reply to each and every single sms like i have to pass up reports... i don't even have to reply them... seriously my total sms reach like 200 to 300 in ONE DAMNED FREAKING WEEK!!! i can't concentrate, i can't study, i can't freaking just focus... the one thing i am assured of myself is that, i am selfish by nature... i always will be...so just leave me in peace or else i will freaking chuck u out myself...

"mary, long time no see", i raised my tawny head and realized that it was him, he came back, my first and probably the last one who filled my heart and soul.. the familiar strong slavic features, the lush thickness of his lips tilted at the corners for a leeway of a smile...

"why didnt u give me a call before u came here?" i asked, he shrugged.

"would you have agreed to meet with me if i did, mary?"

i stared down into those fathomless eyes of his... his dark brown irises speckled with yearning.. it chipped at me inside... then i turned away and started to walk towards my apartment... suddenly he took a step forward and reached out for my arms..

"look at me, mary, we still haven't solved this between us"

"jason, please, let the past be the past... there are no us now.. just let me go" he turned me around, using those strong callused fingers i know so well to tilt up my face, forcing me to look at him in the eyes..for awhile i lost myself there... yearning for what he could give me, yet i was afraid of reaching out to him, for what i could have had or would have with him if i just gave my feelings a chance to grow and mature... yet the unknown sparked up my fear again and again, forcing me to turn my face aside..

"mary.." he leaned his forehead against my temple, i could feel his breath down the collar of my workclothes. i laid my hands on his chest, intending to push him away. But at once it felt as if my hands was paralyzed to the feel of his deep chest, the warm baritone that caused his chest to rumble...
"let me go jason...please do it right now..."he clasped me tighter into his arms seeming to be more and more reluctant to release me as each second passed... then coldness, my body felt the loss of his comfortable heat. he looked at me in the eyes once more and tipped his hat in a mock then smiled that mischievious grin of his before he strode away from me... but not before i caught the sad look in his eyes, as he slowly walked away from my cowardice in silence...

excerpt from iridescence

secret garden!!! last part of last episode!!!

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Ok, i am gonna do a review about the korean drama, secret garden... the first thing that i can mention about secret garden is that its so damn touching. i even think that it is one of the best dramas i ever watch.

its actually about an eccentric CEO of a department store(hyun bin) falling in love with a stuntwoman(ha ji won) the first time he saw her. i love the whole storyline. although admittedly i did feel a bit bored with the front part, and when the switching soul occurred in the drama during i think the third or the fourth episode, i started to think that it is probably so boring that the director have to resort to out-of-the-character stuff to make it interesting. i thought it will leave it at that and just go on with the whole show, but then when episode 15 started, it was getting better and better and i was totally captivated with the whole show after that.. when i watched episode 16 i almost wanted to cry out loud in the campus' computer room... and i don't know how i managed to do it but then only some tears managed to seep out while i restrained myself from crying..

i think if it is not the only best shows hyun bin did, then it is as good or even better than the drama, My name is Kim Sam Soon. his acting skills really showed up great here...everyone should watch it and he's so funny!!! the ending was so nice that i had to watch it like 6 times to feel content about the whole thing... you've got to watch it from start to finish to get why they put it there... and i think it was a fitting ending to the whole story!!! so damn nice!!! watch it, then you'll see why...